My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
