I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
