I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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