I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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