I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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