im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
