Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
