Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
