Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
