I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
