Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
