My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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