Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize