You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
