Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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