I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
