The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
