Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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