My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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