I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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