I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
