I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
