A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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