Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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