You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
