yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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