Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
