I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
