The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
