dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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