Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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