I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
