you guys were way drunker than both of me
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well I just put wine in my tea
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
