Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
