i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
