shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
