I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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