I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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