We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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