return my video game
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
