It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
