tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
