I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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