All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
