We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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