i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
