I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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