i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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