I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
