Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
