Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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