So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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