I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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