I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
