The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
