You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
