She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
