here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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