There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
