Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
