My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
