How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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