If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
